Where are we!!!!!

New topic of discussion.........ME AND MY BOO! UGHHHHHH, where do I even start, being that it's been a LONG time since I've actually blogged about US, there is no way I can really fill you guys in on EVERYTHING that's been going on with us.  So I'll start fresh, from today...yall I really can't say where we are....LOL. I'm laughing but at the same time, I'm kinda like.....ummmmmm, where are we really?  I think we are all grown enough to realize that every relationship is not going to be perfect all the time, BUT we do expect or wish for the good to always outweigh the bad.  And I'm not saying that that's the case or not the case here, I really can't say.  You know what may be considered bad for someone, may not be that serious for others ya know, so you can only measure that by you and you only in my opinion.  Everybody has their woes on what they will or will not allow, what they will and will not do, but at the end of the day you have to look at yourself and only ask the only one that matters which is YOU, not your friends, family, etc, but YOU.  So for me, I ask myself that question, and YES I still want it and still want him and I still want all the things that we've promised one another and all the things that I've wished for.  BUT I'm tired of the same ole crap too.  Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, I'm sure if he doesn't have his own blog (lol), he atleast has a mental breakdown of all the things I do and have done to completely piss him alllll the way off...lol.  The issue is however, we don't mean to piss each other off, well atleast I know I don't, but still we both still do apparently.  But after talking about it over and over again, and not resolving it, we have to come to a point where we just agree to disagree.  I know a lot of us (black women), don't really work well with the "agree to disagree" because all that means is "if I can get you to just shut up, without bending to what you want me to agree to, we'll just go along in this order".  I can deal with the "agree to disagree" part, what I can't deal with is, how do we move forward and have a decent conversation after that.  That is the problem I'm having right now, the communication just sucks, it's so blah (my favorite discription, just ask him...lol). I mean one can only small talk but so long, at times I feel like I try to make conversation, no I don't feel,this is actually what happens.  When I see that you aren't going to talk about anything and all you're going to do is ask me the basic every day freaking questions ( how was your day, how was work ,how was little man at school), then I prepare myself to tell you about whatever just to have some type of dialog between the two of us.  Then when I feel the need to really vent and your only response is "oh" or "Well guess we'll see what happens" or some BS like that, that is when I go silent and then we are just listening to one another breathe as if we are in high school! I'm 31 years old, I am so far from high school, if we are not going to have a productive conversation then why are we on the phone anyway.  I would say these things to him, but honestly when I say we've been through this so many times, that it's so not even worth me bringing up again, that's why I just turn to you guys! This is my comfort zone, where I can come and pour out my heart, get it all off my chest and that way when he calls, I don't have to let my attitude immediately take over when I hear his voice. 

We've been at this for going on 4 years now, I mean yes I know I should be use to it by now. I know that I need to be more understanding due to his position in this situation, but D@MN I have a position in this situation also and it's not all peaches and cream on this side either.  I mean I swallow A LOT of what I'm feeling and what I want to say because I feel hey why bring stress his way.  But does that mean it should be okay for him to do the same NO! I mean I want to be in a better place, I'm not keeping us from being in a better place, but DANGIT! he is in my opinion!  SHOOT, I can only do and say so freaking much, without getting an all out attitude about the situation.  I'm always the understanding one, I mean check this out, last week I was hot as FIRE about a situation that was taking place in my life, and I wanted to tell him about it, but then again I felt if I vent this all out and he come back at me with this lame a$$ response, like "oh", "well do what you gotta do" or something like that, I know the words that would have been meant to be intended for someone else, would have fell allllll the way on him, so I decided that I wouldn't even tell him about it.  But part of me feels like I'm being robbed!  Like he is suppose to be my life partner, the one that I should be able to confide in, the one I should be able to talk about ANYTHING to and not feel like he is going to judge or just not give me needed feedback, but I can honestly say I can't.  I know a lot of people get tired of hearing their spouses or even just their friends talk about the same thing over and over again, and may even feel like saying D@mn do something about it then, and I get that, I really do .  But for someone I love, I don't care how many times you need to talk about it, I'll still listen and I'll still give you my feedback, hell and it may be the feedback I've already given, but sometimes that person just needs to talk and may just want to talk to you!  And if that is the case, as a life partner you should be willing to hear it out, whether you agree or disagree with the situation!  Okay, I'm getting mad, when I really can't get mad, since I didn't give him a chance to see what he would say, but knowing me and me knowing him, I'm right, he'd have nothing to say, therefore giving me a reason to be even madder than I already was at the time...LOL.

But guess we'll see how the next conversation goes, maybe it will be better, hell maybe he'll shock me and it be great! Ha! Guess we'll see.


I'll keep you posted!

Still going strong!

Howdy folks!!!! LOL, I'm back yet again with a GREAT update!  So since the last blog, I've really been on my A game.  Normally the likes of me to work out on a Friday is not happening, but since I decided it was time for me to get me together, hey why not!  So I'm here to report, that not only did I work out on Friday but I even worked out on SUNDAY!!! Yeh I said it!  LOL.  Went to church and thanks to my wonderful Bishop Claude Alexander, got that good word in, came home took me a good ole 2 hour nap and decided since the weather was so beautiful(and Alius was itching to get outside), that I would take my little man to the park.  While he was playing, mama was walking, speed walking, 2 miles and a quick sprint to the car (racing my son...lol). That made me feel so good, to know that I'm actually doing this my way and by myself.  The reason I can say that is because the last big weight loss challenge that I went through I decided that I would take pills to assist me (Doctors orders though) and it was the BEST thing since slice bread if you ask me.  And I'm not going to front and act like this go round that I didn't want them again ( because I really did and part of me still does).  But I know that I need to do this one on my own, I mean I've gotten to where I've needed to be before, and although I had some assistance, I still had to put in the work.  I still had to make myself go to the gym daily and workout.  It did help me not eat so much, and I wish I had that now in a way, but in another way I will be so much more proud when I get the ending results of what I really want and KNOW that I did it ALL on my own.  No my eating habits aren't exactly where they need to be, but they are getting there, it's just up to me to continue to do better.  I'm making it a point to work out as much as I do.  I've taken full advantage of my schedule change and I've planned accordingly.

Speaking of that, today whooooooooooooooooooo HUNTY! When I say I wasn't ready for today's workout, I really wasn't ready.  So here we go, I've been doing this workout called 5k workout. What this workout does is get you prepared to run a 5k, now although I'm not really trying to run one; this is a great workout to prepare you IF you wanted to challenge yourself with one.  It's an 8 week training.  So it starts off with like 1 1/2 min jogs and then moves up, so I started week 5 on Tuesday right and normally the entire week is the same.  So Tuesday starts with 5 min jog, 3 min walk.  I took yesterday off ( not purposely), so today when I got to the gym and started my warm up which is a 5 min brisk walk, then we get to the jog ...... now in my mind I'm prepared for a 5 min jog and then 3 mins walk and then 5 min jog, well I JUSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT SO HAPPEN to look down (as I always do, to see how much time I have left), expecting to see 4 mins and something seconds left and I see 7 mins and something seconds left...WOAH WOAH WOAH HOLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDD UP!!!!! Immediately I hit pause on the phone (which is where the app is stored) and hit pause on the treadmill at the same time!  I had to exit the app to make sure I'm not tripping, in my head I'm thinking "oh, I must have selected like week 7...HA, what a joke on myself, yeh I was on the CORRECT week! MAN I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS! On the bright side however that means, I only have 2 runs during my workout (I have to find the positive in any situation, especially when it comes to working out), I CAN DO THIS!  Okay resumes workout and talks myself through the first run.  Okay got through that, now on to my 5 minute brisk walk; this is where I concentrate on my breathing so that I can prepare for my last run.  Yep thought I'd die through that last 3 minutes, I had to really talk myself through it, but I made it!  I tried to concentrate on not breathing too hard, but that last 30 seconds I could care less however....the point is, I WASN'T PREPARED BUT I MADE IT!!!! (Currently playing in my head  ...Marvin Sapp ...I MADE IT THROUGH (and my son's remix version) FOR ME AND YOU...OHHHHHH SO GLAD I MADE IT, SO GLAD I MADE IT, I MADE IT THROUGH FOR ME AND YOU).

So know that ya girl is still going strong, I'm not where I wanna be, but THANK GOD I'm not where I use to be!!!!!

Til next time!!!!

Love ya!

New Beginning!

Have you ever gotten tired of letting yourself down? Not someone else letting you down, but you actually doing it to yourself and you know it's nobody's fault but your own.  You're not happy where you are, however you keep making excuses for why you haven't changed it yet.  Well for me I made up all kinds of excuses (in my head)....like, "well it's the middle of the week, might as well wait to start fresh on Monday", "it's the weekend, I'll eat good during the week", " I have time to get it right", "it's not that bad, just in my head".  Well yesterday I took the first step to shutting down my excuses for not working out.  See I work from home, and it's so easy to just go to the gym after work and then go pick up my son from after school.  But ask me have I been doing it ....NOPE.  Reasons (that's aren't good reasons), he just started back to school last week so it was my "get back on track mommy mode" school excuse, so hey I'll put it off til next week.  Then next week came (is here) and let's see Monday it was a holiday, I mean who really works out on holidays? (people who don't make excuses and commit to living a healthier life),then Tuesday came and well I did have a lot of running around to do in order to get Alius ready for football for the first time, then we got to Wednesday and I still had a lot of running around to do, but during work hours, as I sat at my desk it kept nagging at me that I have to stop making excuses.  I mean I am starting to get on one of my bff's nerves with all this talk about how I don't like my body and how I feel like my face is getting fat, and then she brought it to my attention that I'm starting to sound like this other chick we know that goes on a different diet every other week (NO SERIOUSLY) and still no results.  So hey that was my wake up call, like yeh you're right, I'm starting to get on my own nerves with this myself, so how about I do something about it.  So step one was rearranging my work schedule so that I could take a longer lunch and make that my gym time, instead of waiting until I got off work to have to rush to get my son after a gym workout, take him to practice, get homework done, dinner, bath, and in bed by 9:30.  It didn't work out well last year so why do that to him or myself again this year.

So today started my new schedule and I must say although it's just day one of my new beginning and I can't lie and say I haven't been here before and started off so well and so excited and then found an excuse to take a day off, then two, then three, which then turned into a week, then two, then three...you get the point right. But I don't have room for excuses anymore.  I have a lot to look forward too and one of those things is being comfortable in my own skin.  I can honestly say I don't think I have EVER been comfortable in my own skin, this is waaaaay before the baby, it was always something that I just didn't like. Now that I'm older, I wish I embraced my beauty and blessing that I had then, but it's okay.  Hey you have to start somewhere, I know now I have some cleaning up to do, and I'm excited about what's to come.  Some people need a support system to get to where they need or want to be, but I've come to realize that yeh that's all good and yeh it's good to have someone you have to be accountable to , but who better to be accountable to than YOURSELF.  You have to look at you in the mirror every day not them, so although it may be good to have that someone you can call on to say "hey make sure I do this" , the truth of the matter is, if it's something you seriously care enough about, you won't need anybody to push you to do it, you'll want to do it so bad, someone will have to talk you out of actually doing it. 

So here goes, day one and I'm pumped!!!!