New topic of discussion.........ME AND MY BOO! UGHHHHHH, where do I even start, being that it's been a LONG time since I've actually blogged about US, there is no way I can really fill you guys in on EVERYTHING that's been going on with us. So I'll start fresh, from today...yall I really can't say where we are....LOL. I'm laughing but at the same time, I'm kinda like.....ummmmmm, where are we really? I think we are all grown enough to realize that every relationship is not going to be perfect all the time, BUT we do expect or wish for the good to always outweigh the bad. And I'm not saying that that's the case or not the case here, I really can't say. You know what may be considered bad for someone, may not be that serious for others ya know, so you can only measure that by you and you only in my opinion. Everybody has their woes on what they will or will not allow, what they will and will not do, but at the end of the day you have to look at yourself and only ask the only one that matters which is YOU, not your friends, family, etc, but YOU. So for me, I ask myself that question, and YES I still want it and still want him and I still want all the things that we've promised one another and all the things that I've wished for. BUT I'm tired of the same ole crap too. Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, I'm sure if he doesn't have his own blog (lol), he atleast has a mental breakdown of all the things I do and have done to completely piss him alllll the way off...lol. The issue is however, we don't mean to piss each other off, well atleast I know I don't, but still we both still do apparently. But after talking about it over and over again, and not resolving it, we have to come to a point where we just agree to disagree. I know a lot of us (black women), don't really work well with the "agree to disagree" because all that means is "if I can get you to just shut up, without bending to what you want me to agree to, we'll just go along in this order". I can deal with the "agree to disagree" part, what I can't deal with is, how do we move forward and have a decent conversation after that. That is the problem I'm having right now, the communication just sucks, it's so blah (my favorite discription, just ask him...lol). I mean one can only small talk but so long, at times I feel like I try to make conversation, no I don't feel,this is actually what happens. When I see that you aren't going to talk about anything and all you're going to do is ask me the basic every day freaking questions ( how was your day, how was work ,how was little man at school), then I prepare myself to tell you about whatever just to have some type of dialog between the two of us. Then when I feel the need to really vent and your only response is "oh" or "Well guess we'll see what happens" or some BS like that, that is when I go silent and then we are just listening to one another breathe as if we are in high school! I'm 31 years old, I am so far from high school, if we are not going to have a productive conversation then why are we on the phone anyway. I would say these things to him, but honestly when I say we've been through this so many times, that it's so not even worth me bringing up again, that's why I just turn to you guys! This is my comfort zone, where I can come and pour out my heart, get it all off my chest and that way when he calls, I don't have to let my attitude immediately take over when I hear his voice.
We've been at this for going on 4 years now, I mean yes I know I should be use to it by now. I know that I need to be more understanding due to his position in this situation, but D@MN I have a position in this situation also and it's not all peaches and cream on this side either. I mean I swallow A LOT of what I'm feeling and what I want to say because I feel hey why bring stress his way. But does that mean it should be okay for him to do the same NO! I mean I want to be in a better place, I'm not keeping us from being in a better place, but DANGIT! he is in my opinion! SHOOT, I can only do and say so freaking much, without getting an all out attitude about the situation. I'm always the understanding one, I mean check this out, last week I was hot as FIRE about a situation that was taking place in my life, and I wanted to tell him about it, but then again I felt if I vent this all out and he come back at me with this lame a$$ response, like "oh", "well do what you gotta do" or something like that, I know the words that would have been meant to be intended for someone else, would have fell allllll the way on him, so I decided that I wouldn't even tell him about it. But part of me feels like I'm being robbed! Like he is suppose to be my life partner, the one that I should be able to confide in, the one I should be able to talk about ANYTHING to and not feel like he is going to judge or just not give me needed feedback, but I can honestly say I can't. I know a lot of people get tired of hearing their spouses or even just their friends talk about the same thing over and over again, and may even feel like saying D@mn do something about it then, and I get that, I really do . But for someone I love, I don't care how many times you need to talk about it, I'll still listen and I'll still give you my feedback, hell and it may be the feedback I've already given, but sometimes that person just needs to talk and may just want to talk to you! And if that is the case, as a life partner you should be willing to hear it out, whether you agree or disagree with the situation! Okay, I'm getting mad, when I really can't get mad, since I didn't give him a chance to see what he would say, but knowing me and me knowing him, I'm right, he'd have nothing to say, therefore giving me a reason to be even madder than I already was at the time...LOL.
But guess we'll see how the next conversation goes, maybe it will be better, hell maybe he'll shock me and it be great! Ha! Guess we'll see.
I'll keep you posted!
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