It's your responsibility to fix it!

My mind has been racing since this whole thing started, and it doesn't seem like it's getting any better any time soon.  I’m no longer feeling the actual pain from the hurt that has been caused, however that doesn't mean it's all good.  It's not all good, not at all and how is it that you don't see that?  How is it that a person can operate as if nothing ever happened, as if they didn't cause the hurt and pain that they did?  You apologized, yes but you weren't remorseful, you weren't apologetic, you were just numb, as if to say, I'm saying I'm sorry because that's what I'm supposed to say.  I'm saying I'm sorry because I know what I did was wrong, however instead of trying to even show that you are worth me TRYING to make this back right, I would rather throw in the towel and walk away.  Yeh that is EXACTLY what you planned.  You say you had no plan but you had a plan, your plan was to pack up and move your things to the same place you moved your things a year ago! Let's not think I'm just that stupid, when I'm totally not that stupid! I wasn't stupid the first time; I just let you THINK I didn't know the truth when we both know I did.  See us as women we have this thing that God blessed us with that called Women's intuition and when that thing hits it's nothing that we can do about it, we can choose to ignore it (which is what I did), but that doesn't mean we don't know.  But see this time I was ready to walk away myself, especially after to seeing the fight you DIDN'T have for me, for us, for this family we were supposed to be building TOGETHER.  I was at a lost, those tears you saw, weren't tears of sorrow or sadness, they were tears of disbelief in who you turned out to be, tears of d@mn I believed this n!gga! Tears of 7 years down the freaking drain, and as you can see there weren't many of them, because again I had dealt with it for the past week.  The crazy thing is this time it didn't hit me like a ton of bricks like the first time. See now I know what you are capable of, I know the pain you are capable of bringing to me.  See the first time I was caught off guard because I actually believed you ! You know how men always say, a woman holds what another man has done to them in the past and put it on them and makes them suffer for it, and well I didn't do this, this time around.  This time around I only made you suffer through what you've caused! I actually believe the bs that poured out of your mouth for 4 1/2 years! Even when I saw the signs, I believed the words that you once said or no, you said those words more than once, you remember those words right? Those words that if you wanted something else you would be man enough to let me know.  Remember you aren't 17 anymore! Any who I can swallow that bs, you know you say a lot of crap when you are confined to a certain area or environment, so I get it.  I didn't want to believe the hype of "prison talk" but hey you win some you lose some right!

 

But here we are yet again and it's like things are swept under the rug as if nothing ever happened! Is it because your world turned upside down in a matter of 24hrs and even though you didn't deserve a d@mn thing from me, I was still right there! I was there when most would have turned their back on you after all the hurt you've caused them! I was there to pick up the pieces of your lies! Why didn't you call her? Why not the house thot? Is it because you would have had to wait 2 hrs. for her to get there? Is it because you didn't want to have to explain to your mom who she was? Is it because you can't trust that she can keep your business to herself, I mean being that she put the rest of yall business out in the open for everybody to see, I wouldn't trust her either?  Oh but wait, you still don't think she spilled the beans do you?  Let me give you a little lesson on Women vs Men, all the acts of what was done was a woman! Don't no man go through all that to expose ANYBODY! That is not work of a man! Men don't research to find the phone number of a girlfriend of a dude screwing their ex, men don't send pics, men don't hate on other men to that level, you are a man right? MEN MOVE THE F ON POINT BLANK PERIOD! That my friend is the work of a FEMALE PERIOD! A female that is tired of being the side chick, the female that wants first place, a female that is tired of having you for a moment and going to bed and waking up without you by their side! That is the work of a FEMALE! But see you were so stuck on the house thot spitting that stupid bs in your ear that you actually fell for it! You actually think because she has a business (if that's what you want to call the thot clothing line) that she wouldn't put herself out there like this? REALLY the same chick that is quick to say F morals, because strippers making 100K a year and driving dream cars are the thing to do! This is who you wanted for even a moment! UGHHHHHHHHHHHH, as I type I get pissed all over again at the thought that you would turn your back on LOYALTY and take the side of a THOT! over what a big @$$, SERIOUSLY! @sses come a dime a dozen, TRUST another one is being made at this very moment, they pumping them out second by second, bigger and bigger! Doesn't change who the person they are inside pimpin!

 

But here we are, you still don’t'; get it! You still haven’t' gotten it! Not once have you done anything to show remorse! Not once have you sent a flower, card, bird signal, etc. You even had the nerve to come home and buy yourself jewelry and thought I was supposed to what???/ be excited for you for getting a deal on a chain for YOURSELF! Not only that, you actually had the nerve to tell me you called your homeboy to tell him about the deal and tell him he might want to come and purchase something for his people! Ain't it funny how you can tell somebody else to buy something for their girl but you thinking of YOURSELF.  It's cool though, because this is normal for you, sad but true. But hey you aren’t my man! NOPE sure ain't! See in your world you think we good....we still a couple! I'll allow you to continue to THINK those thoughts, but in my world, I'M SINGLE! I'm not opening any other doors until this one is completely shut, but I'm no fool! See when I had questions, you didn't feel it was necessary for you to answer my questions because to YOU it didn't matter! You know your selfishness that if it doesn't affect you, then it don't matter. Forget that I needed and wanted those questions answered to give me the closure I needed. But again it's cool, see I've been through enough to know sometimes you have to get your own closure and not depend on anybody else to provide it for you. I can move on without it regardless, just would have been nice that for once you put somebody else feelings and needs before your own, but I guess that's the 21yr old still in you.

 

But still I have no regrets, because I'm me! I'm not going to not be me! I'm just going to be a better me! What does that mean that means with the open heart I have, I can still be there for you and wish you the best, but at the same time look after me and mine only! However this thing plays out for you in the end is not my responsibility, it's yours.  See I took all the responsibility to make sure you were good, make sure you got on your feet, and make sure you were able to accomplish something more than what you would have if you had stayed at home.  God puts us all in people lives for a reason or season and maybe this thing was both! We'll see if our season is up or not, but again that's not my responsibility...that again is yours my friend!