And the saga begins! I'm not sure I was truly prepared for how this conversation was about to go down, but I started it huh? I can't even remember how it really started but I knew he wasn't feeling the "break down moment" letter at all! "Of all things you can question, please don't ever question my love for you, just don't do that"....what are your thoughts? Is that an awwwwwww moment, nope sure isn't, that was I'm pissed at the fact that you would even have the nerve to question me moment. Well sorry, that is how I was feeling at the time, you can't really be mad if that's how I feel. What, am I supposed to be sorry that I actually feel the way that I feel? Well guess what, I'M NOT! I'm a female, with a lot of emotions, and unfortunately no matter how many close friends I can talk to, none and I mean NONE of them could ever know how I feel unless they were in my shoes. So yes I wrote out my emotions at that exact moment because at that exact moment, THAT IS HOW I FELT! And I am NOT sorry for it.
So I allowed him to get it out, say the things that he wanted to say and I didn't interrupt, (I wanted to but I didn't). For about ten minutes I listened to him explain something that had absolutely nothing to do with what I wrote in the first place. Let me be honest, I'm driving in my car, with this confused looked on my face, because I'm not understanding what the heck he is talking about, like really......Dude what are you talking about? But I let him talk anyway. I get it; I understand your biggest issue is the fact that I sent it in a letter and did not just talk to you about it. Yes I get it, I truly do and I can't make an excuse for it, I can't sugarcoat it because I know it's a problem. I should be able to talk to you of all people, the one that I am in love with , the one that I plan to spend the rest of my life with, the one that I can talk to about any and everything else, but when it comes to ME or US , I just don't. I wish I had an answer, I wish I could turn off the last 30 years of my life of being the exact same way that I am now, yeh that would be nice, but guess what I can't. Not to say “JUST DEAL WITH IT", but I don't have an answer or an excuse, so I don't make one, I just agree. But I do make it a point to add "but you already knew this about me”, not that it makes it okay, but still...I'm just saying!
He made valid points, "everybody knows to call Crystal when they are having a problem", "everybody knows that Crystal has a big heart and will give them advice", "I listen to you talk to everybody about them and give them advice and give your opinion", "HOW IS IT THAT YOU CAN'T DO THAT WHEN IT COMES TO US, WHEN IT'S AFFECTING US". Yeh things that make me wonder too. I don't want to be the one that messes up the chance of US, I know I need to change, or put forth a huge effort to get over my fear of expression. I've known these things for years. I sat down with one of my besties tonight and had a talk about my lack thereof expressing myself and she said I have the "sideline hoe syndrome", pretty much meaning instead of speaking how I truly feel, I play a certain position as if I don't have the right to say this or say that. Interesting huh? Yep very much. I can say in some situations, I truly did feel that way because we weren't like that, there was no commitment, or he had a commitment to someone else. But in this situation, he is MINE and I am his, so that's not the role that I'm playing in this situation at all. However I have played this laid back “cool, let it roll off my back chick" for as long as I can remember. Part of that comes from me having brothers, A LOT of male cousins, and A LOT of homeboys. You know being around dudes whom speak of the nagging chick, the chick that ask too many questions, the chick that is just worse some, the chick that is too insecure. I made it a point not to be any of those chicks, so that's what I molded myself to be, I'm the cool one. The go with the flow chick, it's whatever chick, if you hurt my feelings you'll never know it chick, if I catch feelings for you, you'll never know it until you tell me first chick. Hey again, I never hide that this is who I am and who I've been. He is the one that I've not been afraid to tell anything too, I mean he knows things that I should be ashamed of, but hey if you are going to love me, you have to love me for me and part of me is who I was in my past, things I've done that I know I shouldn't have but at the time, that's just what I wanted to do, so I did it. So in the event that my past catches up with me, at least you won't be caught off guard.
So he feels that I give in too much. Things I should put my foot down on, I don't and things that I should just let go I actually push. The problem is the things that he feels that I should put my foot down on I feel that I shouldn't even have to ask, it shouldn't even be a topic of discussion to where I should have to put my foot down in the first place. I understand we are two different people, so we'll have to agree to disagree on that subject. For example, if I say I wanna come see you tomorrow and you say, "well I really don't feel like company", why should I push it, I mean if I then say "well I'm coming anyway" , would the visit not be awkward and forced? Why should I have force you to do something if that's really what you want to do? That just makes no sense, I'm not going to waste my time for us to sit and look at each other stupid. I want to feel like I was wanted; I was missed, is that too much to ask? NO, BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK DOG ON IT! That is the problem!
So you think there is more to this story that what I'm giving you, you want me to say that I've held in a lot of stuff that lead up to this and this was just the icing on the cake. Well I'm sorry I can't do that, because that truly is not the case, this was the batter, eggs, milk, flavoring, and whatever else goes in the blame cake (no I am not a baker, so I don't know) and the freaking icing and you can add a cherry on top if that make you feel better. There is no hidden mystery, this is it and you should be darn glad of it, because normally I would hold on to it much longer than two weeks, so if you ask me heck I am doing better shoot (pats myself on the back)! How do I feel alone? Um let me see, I look around and the only person here is my child, he can't do what you can do , he can hug me, but he can't hold me, he can kiss me, but he can't KISS ME, and we won't go any further than that, because that is just WRONG Kay.......K! How do I feel unwanted? Well let's see, no I'll let you answer your own question. What is up with me? Is this a trick question, I mean I know you read the "break down moment" letter, matter fact you told me you read it three times, so clearly you know by now. Oh wait, since I hold stuff in, there's more huh! NO, this is it, I mean I could make up a bunch of bs, but for what, if you want to know what's up with me, then read it a fourth time, I promise you it hasn't changed, the exact words I started at 11:09 pm on Wednesday night are still there, if something changed you need fall on your knees and pray, because something much bigger than I is making those changes pimpin.
As I sit in my friend's driveway (two hours late for her baby shower I might add), yeh this is rude, I can't sit on the phone and explain anything any better than I have already. And at this point, I'm already pissed that the blame GPS has taken me around in circles for the past hour and a half, not to mention I'm the only black at this shower, so yeh def on "color people time". So yeh we will have to finish the conversation later.
Welp stay tune for Round Two, trust me it's coming soon!
Love ya!
No comments:
Post a Comment