Where do I start!

Last night I laid in my bed and had a moment. A moment that I knew was coming, but I'm not sure if I was truly prepared for it.  A moment where I realized just how alone I really feel, how scared I really am, and how overwhelming holding it all in is affecting me.  You know that song by Kirk Franklin "smile", yep well that's truly me.  I smile, eventhough it hurts I smile.  I'm not a weak person, however I'm very emotional (don't let the tears fool you).  I've been in this "long distance" relationship for 3 yrs now.  Don't get me wrong I love him, I'm in love with him, but I'm lonely!  It's hard not having a warm body to lay next to at night, not waking up to someone every morning, not going on dates, not exchanging gifts on Holidays, anniversaries, etc. I'm sure many are wondering .....okay if you are in a relationship and although it's long distance, why can't you do these things?  Well there's more to it than just long distance and I would much rather  keep that to myself.  Not that I am ashamed, but all business is not everybody elses business, just people in my personal space that need to know.  And no he's not married!  LOL. 

I feel that I've handled this situation well considering the fact that I'm 30 years old and I'm waiting on my fairy tale.  Call me crazy, but yes I still belive in the Always and forever, the happily ever after.  I'm addicted to David Tetura Weddings, Say yes to the dress, and Essence bridal bliss.  Those are just a few, trust me there's more...lol 

Okay I'm jumping all around on this, I know.  This is my first time and I'm not use to this type of "letting my feelings out" so bare with me, I'll get better.  So back to the break down moment I had last night, so I'm laying in bed and I look all around my room and I see him.....Ray, pictures everywhere!!!! and I just cry, I can't control it, I just cry.  I miss him, I love him, I need him, but I can't touch him, feel him, lay with him.  How much longer God.  I know I signed up for this and I knew how long I signed up for this as well.  And I'm in no way at a breaking point to give up, but it's just tough.  It's just hard, I wanna hold his hand, I want to walk downtown, go to a game or two.  Go to the movies, go to church, take the kids places, lay and watch a movie, or just lay together period.  Yeh this is weighing hard on me right now.

I'll get back to this later.

Thanks for visiting.