Where are we!!!!!

New topic of discussion.........ME AND MY BOO! UGHHHHHH, where do I even start, being that it's been a LONG time since I've actually blogged about US, there is no way I can really fill you guys in on EVERYTHING that's been going on with us.  So I'll start fresh, from today...yall I really can't say where we are....LOL. I'm laughing but at the same time, I'm kinda like.....ummmmmm, where are we really?  I think we are all grown enough to realize that every relationship is not going to be perfect all the time, BUT we do expect or wish for the good to always outweigh the bad.  And I'm not saying that that's the case or not the case here, I really can't say.  You know what may be considered bad for someone, may not be that serious for others ya know, so you can only measure that by you and you only in my opinion.  Everybody has their woes on what they will or will not allow, what they will and will not do, but at the end of the day you have to look at yourself and only ask the only one that matters which is YOU, not your friends, family, etc, but YOU.  So for me, I ask myself that question, and YES I still want it and still want him and I still want all the things that we've promised one another and all the things that I've wished for.  BUT I'm tired of the same ole crap too.  Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, I'm sure if he doesn't have his own blog (lol), he atleast has a mental breakdown of all the things I do and have done to completely piss him alllll the way off...lol.  The issue is however, we don't mean to piss each other off, well atleast I know I don't, but still we both still do apparently.  But after talking about it over and over again, and not resolving it, we have to come to a point where we just agree to disagree.  I know a lot of us (black women), don't really work well with the "agree to disagree" because all that means is "if I can get you to just shut up, without bending to what you want me to agree to, we'll just go along in this order".  I can deal with the "agree to disagree" part, what I can't deal with is, how do we move forward and have a decent conversation after that.  That is the problem I'm having right now, the communication just sucks, it's so blah (my favorite discription, just ask him...lol). I mean one can only small talk but so long, at times I feel like I try to make conversation, no I don't feel,this is actually what happens.  When I see that you aren't going to talk about anything and all you're going to do is ask me the basic every day freaking questions ( how was your day, how was work ,how was little man at school), then I prepare myself to tell you about whatever just to have some type of dialog between the two of us.  Then when I feel the need to really vent and your only response is "oh" or "Well guess we'll see what happens" or some BS like that, that is when I go silent and then we are just listening to one another breathe as if we are in high school! I'm 31 years old, I am so far from high school, if we are not going to have a productive conversation then why are we on the phone anyway.  I would say these things to him, but honestly when I say we've been through this so many times, that it's so not even worth me bringing up again, that's why I just turn to you guys! This is my comfort zone, where I can come and pour out my heart, get it all off my chest and that way when he calls, I don't have to let my attitude immediately take over when I hear his voice. 

We've been at this for going on 4 years now, I mean yes I know I should be use to it by now. I know that I need to be more understanding due to his position in this situation, but D@MN I have a position in this situation also and it's not all peaches and cream on this side either.  I mean I swallow A LOT of what I'm feeling and what I want to say because I feel hey why bring stress his way.  But does that mean it should be okay for him to do the same NO! I mean I want to be in a better place, I'm not keeping us from being in a better place, but DANGIT! he is in my opinion!  SHOOT, I can only do and say so freaking much, without getting an all out attitude about the situation.  I'm always the understanding one, I mean check this out, last week I was hot as FIRE about a situation that was taking place in my life, and I wanted to tell him about it, but then again I felt if I vent this all out and he come back at me with this lame a$$ response, like "oh", "well do what you gotta do" or something like that, I know the words that would have been meant to be intended for someone else, would have fell allllll the way on him, so I decided that I wouldn't even tell him about it.  But part of me feels like I'm being robbed!  Like he is suppose to be my life partner, the one that I should be able to confide in, the one I should be able to talk about ANYTHING to and not feel like he is going to judge or just not give me needed feedback, but I can honestly say I can't.  I know a lot of people get tired of hearing their spouses or even just their friends talk about the same thing over and over again, and may even feel like saying D@mn do something about it then, and I get that, I really do .  But for someone I love, I don't care how many times you need to talk about it, I'll still listen and I'll still give you my feedback, hell and it may be the feedback I've already given, but sometimes that person just needs to talk and may just want to talk to you!  And if that is the case, as a life partner you should be willing to hear it out, whether you agree or disagree with the situation!  Okay, I'm getting mad, when I really can't get mad, since I didn't give him a chance to see what he would say, but knowing me and me knowing him, I'm right, he'd have nothing to say, therefore giving me a reason to be even madder than I already was at the time...LOL.

But guess we'll see how the next conversation goes, maybe it will be better, hell maybe he'll shock me and it be great! Ha! Guess we'll see.


I'll keep you posted!

Still going strong!

Howdy folks!!!! LOL, I'm back yet again with a GREAT update!  So since the last blog, I've really been on my A game.  Normally the likes of me to work out on a Friday is not happening, but since I decided it was time for me to get me together, hey why not!  So I'm here to report, that not only did I work out on Friday but I even worked out on SUNDAY!!! Yeh I said it!  LOL.  Went to church and thanks to my wonderful Bishop Claude Alexander, got that good word in, came home took me a good ole 2 hour nap and decided since the weather was so beautiful(and Alius was itching to get outside), that I would take my little man to the park.  While he was playing, mama was walking, speed walking, 2 miles and a quick sprint to the car (racing my son...lol). That made me feel so good, to know that I'm actually doing this my way and by myself.  The reason I can say that is because the last big weight loss challenge that I went through I decided that I would take pills to assist me (Doctors orders though) and it was the BEST thing since slice bread if you ask me.  And I'm not going to front and act like this go round that I didn't want them again ( because I really did and part of me still does).  But I know that I need to do this one on my own, I mean I've gotten to where I've needed to be before, and although I had some assistance, I still had to put in the work.  I still had to make myself go to the gym daily and workout.  It did help me not eat so much, and I wish I had that now in a way, but in another way I will be so much more proud when I get the ending results of what I really want and KNOW that I did it ALL on my own.  No my eating habits aren't exactly where they need to be, but they are getting there, it's just up to me to continue to do better.  I'm making it a point to work out as much as I do.  I've taken full advantage of my schedule change and I've planned accordingly.

Speaking of that, today whooooooooooooooooooo HUNTY! When I say I wasn't ready for today's workout, I really wasn't ready.  So here we go, I've been doing this workout called 5k workout. What this workout does is get you prepared to run a 5k, now although I'm not really trying to run one; this is a great workout to prepare you IF you wanted to challenge yourself with one.  It's an 8 week training.  So it starts off with like 1 1/2 min jogs and then moves up, so I started week 5 on Tuesday right and normally the entire week is the same.  So Tuesday starts with 5 min jog, 3 min walk.  I took yesterday off ( not purposely), so today when I got to the gym and started my warm up which is a 5 min brisk walk, then we get to the jog ...... now in my mind I'm prepared for a 5 min jog and then 3 mins walk and then 5 min jog, well I JUSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT SO HAPPEN to look down (as I always do, to see how much time I have left), expecting to see 4 mins and something seconds left and I see 7 mins and something seconds left...WOAH WOAH WOAH HOLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDD UP!!!!! Immediately I hit pause on the phone (which is where the app is stored) and hit pause on the treadmill at the same time!  I had to exit the app to make sure I'm not tripping, in my head I'm thinking "oh, I must have selected like week 7...HA, what a joke on myself, yeh I was on the CORRECT week! MAN I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS! On the bright side however that means, I only have 2 runs during my workout (I have to find the positive in any situation, especially when it comes to working out), I CAN DO THIS!  Okay resumes workout and talks myself through the first run.  Okay got through that, now on to my 5 minute brisk walk; this is where I concentrate on my breathing so that I can prepare for my last run.  Yep thought I'd die through that last 3 minutes, I had to really talk myself through it, but I made it!  I tried to concentrate on not breathing too hard, but that last 30 seconds I could care less however....the point is, I WASN'T PREPARED BUT I MADE IT!!!! (Currently playing in my head  ...Marvin Sapp ...I MADE IT THROUGH (and my son's remix version) FOR ME AND YOU...OHHHHHH SO GLAD I MADE IT, SO GLAD I MADE IT, I MADE IT THROUGH FOR ME AND YOU).

So know that ya girl is still going strong, I'm not where I wanna be, but THANK GOD I'm not where I use to be!!!!!

Til next time!!!!

Love ya!

New Beginning!

Have you ever gotten tired of letting yourself down? Not someone else letting you down, but you actually doing it to yourself and you know it's nobody's fault but your own.  You're not happy where you are, however you keep making excuses for why you haven't changed it yet.  Well for me I made up all kinds of excuses (in my head)....like, "well it's the middle of the week, might as well wait to start fresh on Monday", "it's the weekend, I'll eat good during the week", " I have time to get it right", "it's not that bad, just in my head".  Well yesterday I took the first step to shutting down my excuses for not working out.  See I work from home, and it's so easy to just go to the gym after work and then go pick up my son from after school.  But ask me have I been doing it ....NOPE.  Reasons (that's aren't good reasons), he just started back to school last week so it was my "get back on track mommy mode" school excuse, so hey I'll put it off til next week.  Then next week came (is here) and let's see Monday it was a holiday, I mean who really works out on holidays? (people who don't make excuses and commit to living a healthier life),then Tuesday came and well I did have a lot of running around to do in order to get Alius ready for football for the first time, then we got to Wednesday and I still had a lot of running around to do, but during work hours, as I sat at my desk it kept nagging at me that I have to stop making excuses.  I mean I am starting to get on one of my bff's nerves with all this talk about how I don't like my body and how I feel like my face is getting fat, and then she brought it to my attention that I'm starting to sound like this other chick we know that goes on a different diet every other week (NO SERIOUSLY) and still no results.  So hey that was my wake up call, like yeh you're right, I'm starting to get on my own nerves with this myself, so how about I do something about it.  So step one was rearranging my work schedule so that I could take a longer lunch and make that my gym time, instead of waiting until I got off work to have to rush to get my son after a gym workout, take him to practice, get homework done, dinner, bath, and in bed by 9:30.  It didn't work out well last year so why do that to him or myself again this year.

So today started my new schedule and I must say although it's just day one of my new beginning and I can't lie and say I haven't been here before and started off so well and so excited and then found an excuse to take a day off, then two, then three, which then turned into a week, then two, then three...you get the point right. But I don't have room for excuses anymore.  I have a lot to look forward too and one of those things is being comfortable in my own skin.  I can honestly say I don't think I have EVER been comfortable in my own skin, this is waaaaay before the baby, it was always something that I just didn't like. Now that I'm older, I wish I embraced my beauty and blessing that I had then, but it's okay.  Hey you have to start somewhere, I know now I have some cleaning up to do, and I'm excited about what's to come.  Some people need a support system to get to where they need or want to be, but I've come to realize that yeh that's all good and yeh it's good to have someone you have to be accountable to , but who better to be accountable to than YOURSELF.  You have to look at you in the mirror every day not them, so although it may be good to have that someone you can call on to say "hey make sure I do this" , the truth of the matter is, if it's something you seriously care enough about, you won't need anybody to push you to do it, you'll want to do it so bad, someone will have to talk you out of actually doing it. 

So here goes, day one and I'm pumped!!!! 

Too Comfortable!!!!

Sometimes we just need some quiet time to reflect and think of things, life, mistakes, regrets, etc.  Sometimes being able to get that quiet time is good thing, and sometime it can be bad.  I'm not sure which it is for me right now.  What is it when the little things start adding up to the point of where it just seems big to you now?  That's where I am at this moment and point in my life.  Where I have let so much go that it's now the little things, that normally I should and I'm sure others would let it just go.  But why should I have to let it go, I mean I'm saying, I can ask a simple request like "call me tomorrow", I don't think it's too hard to pick up a phone and call someone, do you?  I mean there are exactly 24 hours in a day right, or did I miss something?  Someone explain to me how you can think about somebody all the time, but not pick up a phone and dial that person number ALL DAY! I'm just saying.  And no, this is not the first time you have gone all day and not called, but does it ever occur to others that just like you are supposed to be their ear and their backbone, that just maybe you need and want the same thing in return.  I mean, maybe there is a reason the request was made (although it should NEVER have to be made in my opinion).  

I see it now, he's gotten too comfortable.  It's cool, it's my fault, I'll take that, but I'll also get that back in check too.  Let's not forget what we dealing with here my friend, because do trust and believe there should NEVER be a point where you get too comfortable in certain situations.  One would get tired of always trying to fulfill someone else's request but when they make a simple one as much as take your pointer finger dial a couple digits, and open your ears and mouth, and that doesn't get fulfilled, that can put one is a bad place, the place that I am right now.  The place where I've turned my phone off for two days, yep that point.  The point where I'm grown enough to tell you that I have an attitude, yep over the fact that you didn't pick up the d@mn phone all day and call me!  Yep sure do, and nope I don't feel bad or childish behind it.  ESPECIALLY when I ask you why didn't you and you say “I got caught up doing what I was doing" ...OH REALLY!!!  So your day is just that busy that you got caught up doing what you were doing.  Nope didn't bother to ask what that meant because it didn't matter, because at the end of the day, there is absolutely nothing you can tell me that should be more important that hearing my voice!  Yep, I put me on a pedestal, sure did, there is NOTHING that should be more important.  Because I make you an importance, I try to fulfill needs that are not even easy to fulfill, but I do it, even when I don't have it to do it, I still do it.  But again, I can ask something SIMPLE, like call me tomorrow.  MAYBE there was a reason I asked, hell maybe not, but that's not the point now it is! NOPE, it's not, it's the LEAST you can do in my opinion.  

Maybe it may look like I'm playing a game, but really it's not about a game, I really don't have anything to say because someone has gotten a little too comfortable for my liking.  So maybe a couple of days of wondering why the heck my phone is going to voicemail will peak your interest, and if it doesn't then OH FUCKING WELL! Because the week I'm having, that's how I'm feeling, if it's not important to talk to me, then guess what, I won't make it important to talk to you either!

NOW MY VENTING IS DONE FOR THE DAY!

Thanks for tuning in!

Let me back up...........

As you can tell it had been a while since I blogged and for my followers, I'm so sorry for keeping you waiting...lol.  My post prior to this one, was me just having to get some things off my chest, but so you all know exactly where this is coming from, let me bring you up to speed. 

So I get a text one morning from someone saying and I quote "Da Dream I had about you last night, if it could come true, would be having you for breakfast right now".  Hmmmmmmmm, my first thought was "really dude", my next thought was "straight disrespectful and shell".  Now do not think I entertained this foolishness because I didn't.  I simply typed "you shell" and that was all I had to say.  Now maybe I should have said, chill out with that, or something else, but being that I take him for a pure joke anyway, and have no feelings at all for this person, I didn't even bother to waste time with more words.  Later on he sends me another text, this time talking about somebody talking behind his back, hood mess, blah blah blah blah.  I would comment here and there, but nothing to write home about. 

So here is a little background on the situation, the negro that sent me this text message is somebody that I grew up with or should say that WE grew up with.  To be honest he is the reason that Ray and I are together in a way.  That's what makes it weird right.  I mean he didn't hook us up or anything, but he was the one that asked me when was the last time I had talk to Ray and that I needed to reach out to him, which I did and it has been history since then.  So anyway back to the situation at hand, so this dude has thrown in a couple shots here and there, but I take nothing serious with him, because he'll then turn right around and say, nah, I'm just playing; I love you more as a friend, like my best friend, blah blah blah.  Side note, I swear I got the most best friends in the world...LOL

So any who, I felt that I owed it to Ray to let him know what was said that day, I don't know why I decided to tell him, but I normally do communicate with him any time that I have spoken with this person and what he's talking about.  So this time, it really really didn't sit well with Ray. So I said to him, hey if you want me to stop communicating with him, then just let me know.  Now granted, he shouldn't have to tell me not to stop communicating with someone that is disrespecting him, but I did let him know that his statement was disrespectful to Ray. He really didn't have much to say, other than it's nothing he can do about it right now, and I told him I would handle it, and my reason for saying that is because in the pass there has been a couple chicks that have disrespected me and he's asked me to allow him to handle it, and that's just what I do.  So I figured I could do the same thing, but deep down inside knowing he's a man and me saying to let me handle it went in one ear and out the other...LOL

Clearly I was right because as I'm sitting in my mother's living room I received a call from "him" and it didn't dawn on me that maybe Ray hit him up, I was thinking, he must have seen my car in mom's driveway so he's calling to see what's up or how I'm doing, or how long I'm home.  NOPE, that was not the case, instead I get this "man, what's up!"  me: Nothing at my mom's talking, what's up.  him: "what's up!", so by now I have an attitude (yes just that quick, don't ask me the same question twice when you could have easily answered the question the first time).  So then I'm told that Ray had called and pretty much asked him why he's trying to get at his girl.  WOW!!! So sit on the phone like "OKAY AND", so then he goes into trying to explain to Ray that it was nothing like this and blah blah blah.  And then goes into explaining something that Ray didn't even know about , which was that he was going to come to Charlotte (he and some chick he mess with) and asked if I would come out there and meet up with them and I told him no.  So then he said since I wasn't going to come, then he wasn't going to come down.  I hadn't even talk to Ray to inform him of that anyway, so you can tell when a negro is nervous they start spilling their guts!!!!

I mean I really didn't have anything else to say, I mean at that point I knew it was no need to speak with him anymore and that this had gone to another level.  It's nothing for me to stop talking to him, I mean we cool, but he's a joke to me.  I'm the same with him, as I am with any of my friends, which is real and blunt and give my opinion and advice if I'm asked.  He comes to me regarding personal issues with his wife, girlfriend, etc.  So again, it's nothing between the two of us, we talk sometimes a couple times a week or we can go months without a word and then I may get a "how u" text, like I said nothing major at all.

So here is where the letter is coming from, apparently after discussed this over the phone the first night, he let some things out on paper, in mind I have a feeling of what it comes down to , which is why was I even talking to him anyway.  Which is fine, I will take that, as long as he's ready for my response.  It's nothing for me cut a person loose, but now that the shoe is on the other foot, I will pose the question right back to him "why did you still continue to communicate with the chick(S), after they disrespected me?  So if he's ready, I'm ready.....in my Pastor Troy voice 'WE READY, WE READY, WE READY"..wait is that a Pastor Troy song??????...LOL, yeh that's how little I know about rap....lol

You made me sleep on it!

So how is it that I'm asked to make a change, a change in order to benefit our relationship?  A change that is not easy to just turn on and do, being that it's been a long 20+ years of me being this way, but then you turn around and opt to do the same thing I normally would do prior to you asking me to change or excuse me "try to change for me"!  See this is what I'm talking about, how do you asking someone else to change the way they communicate when it's something that is affecting us, but then you turn around and instead of us just talking about how you are feeling and what is on your mind, you tell me that you put it in a letter.  You thought you were slick when you tried to sneak in “since this is the way you like to communicate, I communicated to you as you like".  BS! I could have said something then, but I was having a good day, so I decided not to call you out on it.  Some may take that as holding back instead of just calling him on it, but that statement did not affect my mood or my attitude or our relationship at the time.  But now we are a week out and I've still not received this freaking letter.  Now on Saturday I knew that there was a letter coming my way, since you let me know to check my mail.  No mail on Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, and now Wednesday. 

Last night I brought it to your attention that I haven't gotten any mail yet, and you say "yeh I figured since you're in a good mood" PAUSE....... so basically you're letting me know that there is some things in this correspondence that I’m really not going to like, that really is not going to sit well with me huh.  So I said, well why don't you just go ahead and tell me, but NO, you want me to get the letter.  I tried yall, I really tried not to let it mess with my mood, but how do you stop it from happening?  No really if somebody has a trick, please let ya girl know what's up.  Now my mind has to be on this for what another week! Now if you want to piss me off, I mean really really piss me off, tell me that you need to tell me something or that there is something I need to know but then don't tell me and make me wait! UGHHHHHHHH, because here we are on Wednesday and I haven't gotten the letter yet, which means you probably won't get the letter back (letting you know why it hasn't been delivered in the first place) til Thursday or Friday, which mean I'm likely not to get the letter til Monday or Tuesday, and if you think I'm just go sit on a phone and breathe because you want me to wait on a freaking letter, YOU MUST BE CRAZY! 

I was ready yall, it was going to be called "Day 1 of my communication change", but this negro decided he wasn't going to call back last night after I put little man to bed.  So not only did you not call back, that means you made me sleep on all the feelings and emotions that I was ready to pour out! REALLY DUDE! So now I'm sitting here at my desk letting it out to my people, waiting on this freaking phone to ring because on "Day 2 of my communication change", you will not get out many words before I say what I have to say.  And if you still choose to opt not to talk about it and wait until I receive the letter to discuss it, then guess what boo boo, you needs not dial this number til maybe Tuesday of next week, and in the event that I do not answer, take that as a sign that I have not received the blame letter yet, therefore it's no need to even accept the call! 

The nerve of you to ask me to change the way I communicate and then you decided to pull a me, how the heck is that helping this relationship, what freaking issue did that resolve?????? DON'T WORRY, I'LL WAIT!

Blown!

In a Good Place!

Its days like today that makes the wait all worth it.  Those days where you wake up in the morning smiling only because you had the best dream of him, the days where although he's not physically here, your dream felt so real that you felt like you were really held all night by him.  Today was one of those days where the weather was rainy, that good snuggle watch a movie weather.  This is one of those days where working from home is such an advantage.  Stretched out in my favorite big chair with my favorite red blanket, red pillow, and  smiling at the thought of him actually being here.  I would be in so much trouble and miss so many calls...lol.  I know I wasn't the only one with a smile on my face though, that's what made it better.  What a surprise three calls all scheduled around my break times, "I just needed to hear your voice" :-).  To know that there is that one person that you have that effect on, that one person that thinks before he reacts to his surroundings by just picking up the phone and calling you just to know at the sound of your voice everything is better, at ease, and soothing.  To know that you are one of the reasons why keeping a cool head (In my T.I.P voice) is so important to that person on the other end of the phone.


Sometimes you get the feeling that the phone calls are not enough, and honestly speaking sometimes they aren't but I have to swallow it and keep pushing forward.  Good things come to those who wait right?  God I pray that this saying isn't a myth.  He never ceases to amaze me.  He has this amazing effect on me and my actions.  He makes me want to be better for him, not that I don't do it for myself as well, but I can honestly say the positive changes that I strive to make in my life is mostly because of him. He stays on me and pushes me to do more and better.  When I want to give up, he won't allow me to and he's not even here.  His language has changed, so I've tried to change mine ( still working on it), his body is bananas so yes I have to push myself in the gym.  His intellect is out of this world, he makes me read more.  He made me want to make my relationship closer with God, he's just that amazing.  When you find someone that makes you want to be better, who leads by example, who strives to not let you down, that's the kind of love you want in your life.  I know it will not always be perfect, but I've realized time and time again, we are perfect for each other and that's what matters, that's the place I love to dwell in.

Yes today I'm in a Good Place and I'm so grateful for it. I hold on to these days to look forward to the next, especially when the last voice I hear is his voice and we both have a smile on our face from laughing so much and so hard.  I'm at peace because I know he's going to sleep at peace, not stressed, not aggravated, and not worried, just at peace.  Matter fact, his last words to me was get some sleep pooh and don't stress or worry.  I try not to , I'm a single mom, stress comes with the territory you know. But still he is my calm place, my calm voice, the one that's on the phone telling me to calm down when he hears my voice raising from disciplining my son.  The one that throws ideas my way to get me to try something different to make the situation better, the one that wants to give his input but make sure he doesn't step on anybody's toes.  He's just calm and sweet like that.  He loves me, all of me, with all my flaws and imperfections. 

So to quote my FAVORITE movie ever "This right here, right now at this very moment, is all that matters to me, I love you, and that's urgent than a mutha*******"  Loving the place we're in. 

Smiling!

Just Try for Me

It wasn't so bad I must say.  I mean there were some moments of silence and a lot of emotions running wild and crazy, but everything worked out for the best.  I mean like I said before I get it, I really do.  I wish I could explain it; some things are just hard to put into words.  You want me to talk to you, to tell you when you upset me at that very moment, okay cool (be careful what you ask for). No really I do get it and he makes perfect sense and I know I do have to or my fairy tale will so not come true. 

He asked me a question that again I really couldn't answer, "Are you afraid of something".... yes I am, but I don't know what it is.  That sounds crazy right? If it doesn't to you, it does to me.  I do have a fear, the fear that whatever I say will be taken out of content and ran with.  The funny thing about that is, he says things to me, but I take it out of content and run with it sometimes, although he's not meaning it in a certain way.  I guess the difference is that I know how far I'll run with it and I won't run to the point of calling it quits, UNLESS it's seriously needed.  He's a lot more patient and understanding than I, so it should be easier for me to say something and trust that he'll hear me out and listen to where exactly I'm coming from before running off on his own meaning.

So at the end of the day all he asks is "Just Try for me, that's all I ask".  I can do that, it's only fair huh.  Guess my fear of whatever will have to be subsided.  I think in the end it will be worth it, it's like the saying goes, you have to do something you've never done to get something you've never had, so with that being said, I'm trying to get to a fairy tale ending here.

Keep you posted!

Round One!

And the saga begins!  I'm not sure I was truly prepared for how this conversation was about to go down, but I started it huh? I can't even remember how it really started but I knew he wasn't feeling the "break down moment" letter at all!  "Of all things you can question, please don't ever question my love for you, just don't do that"....what are your thoughts?  Is that an awwwwwww moment, nope sure isn't, that was I'm pissed at the fact that you would even have the nerve to question me moment.  Well sorry, that is how I was feeling at the time, you can't really be mad if that's how I feel.  What, am I supposed to be sorry that I actually feel the way that I feel? Well guess what, I'M NOT!  I'm a female, with a lot of emotions, and unfortunately no matter how many close friends I can talk to, none and I mean NONE of them could ever know how I feel unless they were in my shoes.  So yes I wrote out my emotions at that exact moment because at that exact moment, THAT IS HOW I FELT! And I am NOT sorry for it. 

So I allowed him to get it out, say the things that he wanted to say and I didn't interrupt, (I wanted to but I didn't).  For about ten minutes I listened to him explain something that had absolutely nothing to do with what I wrote in the first place.  Let me be honest, I'm driving in my car, with this confused looked on my face, because I'm not understanding what the heck he is talking about, like really......Dude what are you talking about?  But I let him talk anyway.  I get it; I understand your biggest issue is the fact that I sent it in a letter and did not just talk to you about it.  Yes I get it, I truly do and I can't make an excuse for it, I can't sugarcoat it because I know it's a problem.  I should be able to talk to you of all people, the one that I am in love with , the one that I plan to spend the rest of my life with, the one that I can talk to about any and everything else, but when it comes to ME or US , I just don't.  I wish I had an answer, I wish I could turn off the last 30 years of my life of being the exact same way that I am now, yeh that would be nice, but guess what I can't.  Not to say “JUST DEAL WITH IT", but I don't have an answer or an excuse, so I don't make one, I just agree.  But I do make it a point to add "but you already knew this about me”, not that it makes it okay, but still...I'm just saying! 

He made valid points, "everybody knows to call Crystal when they are having a problem", "everybody knows that Crystal has a big heart and will give them advice", "I listen to you talk to everybody about them and give them advice and give your opinion", "HOW IS IT THAT YOU CAN'T DO THAT WHEN IT COMES TO US, WHEN IT'S AFFECTING US".  Yeh things that make me wonder too.  I don't want to be the one that messes up the chance of US, I know I need to change, or put forth a huge effort to get over my fear of expression.  I've known these things for years.  I sat down with one of my besties tonight and had a talk about my lack thereof expressing myself and she said I have the "sideline hoe syndrome", pretty much meaning instead of speaking how I truly feel, I play a certain position as if I don't have the right to say this or say that.  Interesting huh? Yep very much.  I can say in some situations, I truly did feel that way because we weren't like that, there was no commitment, or he had a commitment to someone else.  But in this situation, he is MINE and I am his, so that's not the role that I'm playing in this situation at all.  However I have played this laid back “cool, let it roll off my back chick" for as long as I can remember.  Part of that comes from me having brothers, A LOT of male cousins, and A LOT of homeboys.  You know being around dudes whom speak of the nagging chick, the chick that ask too many questions, the chick that is just worse some, the chick that is too insecure.  I made it a point not to be any of those chicks, so that's what I molded myself to be, I'm the cool one.  The go with the flow chick, it's whatever chick, if you hurt my feelings you'll never know it chick, if I catch feelings for you, you'll never know it until you tell me first chick.  Hey again, I never hide that this is who I am and who I've been. He is the one that I've not been afraid to tell anything too, I mean he knows things that I should be ashamed of, but hey if you are going to love me, you have to love me for me and part of me is who I was in my past, things I've done that I know I shouldn't have but at the time, that's just what I wanted to do, so I did it.  So in the event that my past catches up with me, at least you won't be caught off guard.  

So he feels that I give in too much. Things I should put my foot down on, I don't and things that I should just let go I actually push.  The problem is the things that he feels that I should put my foot down on I feel that I shouldn't even have to ask, it shouldn't even be a topic of discussion to where I should have to put my foot down in the first place.  I understand we are two different people, so we'll have to agree to disagree on that subject.  For example, if I say I wanna come see you tomorrow and you say, "well I really don't feel like company", why should I push it, I mean if I then say "well I'm coming anyway" , would the visit not be awkward and forced?  Why should I have force you to do something if that's really what you want to do?  That just makes no sense, I'm not going to waste my time for us to sit and look at each other stupid.  I want to feel like I was wanted; I was missed, is that too much to ask?  NO, BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK DOG ON IT!  That is the problem!

So you think there is more to this story that what I'm giving you, you want me to say that I've held in a lot of stuff that lead up to this and this was just the icing on the cake.  Well I'm sorry I can't do that, because that truly is not the case, this was the batter, eggs, milk, flavoring, and whatever else goes in the blame cake (no I am not a baker, so I don't know) and the freaking icing and you can add a cherry on top if that make you feel better.  There is no hidden mystery, this is it and you should be darn glad of it, because normally I would hold on to it much longer than two weeks, so if you ask me heck I am doing better shoot (pats myself on the back)!  How do I feel alone?  Um let me see, I look around and the only person here is my child, he can't do what you can do , he can hug me, but he can't hold me, he can kiss me, but he can't KISS ME, and we won't go any further than that, because that is just WRONG Kay.......K!  How do I feel unwanted?  Well let's see, no I'll let you answer your own question. What is up with me?  Is this a trick question, I mean I know you read the "break down moment" letter, matter fact you told me you read it three times, so clearly you know by now.  Oh wait, since I hold stuff in, there's more huh!  NO, this is it, I mean I could make up a bunch of bs, but for what, if you want to know what's up with me, then read it a fourth time, I promise you it hasn't changed, the exact words I started at 11:09 pm on Wednesday night are still there, if something changed you need fall on your knees and pray, because something much bigger than I is making those changes pimpin. 

As I sit in my friend's driveway (two hours late for her baby shower I might add), yeh this is rude, I can't sit on the phone and explain anything any better than I have already.  And at this point, I'm already pissed that the blame GPS has taken me around in circles for the past hour and a half, not to mention I'm the only black at this shower, so yeh def on "color people time".  So yeh we will have to finish the conversation later.

Welp stay tune for Round Two, trust me it's coming soon!

Love ya!

"I'll Pick that bone another time"

So the lines of communication have been opened and the call comes in......I answer, "hello" "hello", nothing silence followed by the dial tone. Hummmm, what was that about?  Oh yeh I know, just checking to see if "the lines of communication" have been opened.  Phone rings again, "hello", him: "yeh, what's up?".  Exhale, nothing much, general conversation, you know the how was your day, where have you been, how was lil man's week at school, blah blah blah.  Silence, wonder if he has received the "break down moment" letter yet.  So I proclaim "I wrote you a letter", the response "so I noticed"....PAUSE (looks at my cousin Tasha to comfirm, yep he got it!).  His response: "I'll pick that bone at another time, you have company". 

So what does this mean, it means I doubt I will be receiving a "response to your break down moment" letter, instead this will be a conversation which means Perk will have to put on her big girl panties and actually talk!  Ughhhh, I was so trying to avoid that part of the situation.  I know , I'm 30, I know I can talk about everything else, but when it comes to my feelings, sorry that's a tough job for ya girl.  But I know he is a much better communicator than I , so it's only natural and fair that he should respond in the way that is easier for him.  It would be nice if I could just hear him out and then put my response on paper, but how childish would that be? So yes I'm guessing today will be the day, sometime later I'm sure, probably about five to six calls worth of talking to clear this whole thing up.  I'm preparing myself for this talk...how you ask.... well I have a baby shower to attend, where I'm sure there will be plenty of wine, which means I'll be a bit loose (not in that way), which should make it easier to just get whatever needs to be said off my chest.

So get ready, get ready, get ready.....in the words of Kevin Hart "IT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN"

Until next time........keep ya girl in prayer!

Awaiting the response

So I'm back, still thinking of my break down from the other night.  At 11:09 pm I'm up writing my thoughts and all the feelings that I"m feeling at that very moment.  Did I say too much? , nah it's  best I say exactly how I'm feeling right?  I mean some people say to think before you speak, especially when you are speaking off of emotions right.  But isn't that the purpose of writing or speaking how you feel?  If you hold anything back based off of emotions, wouldn't you just be covering up the truth of the matter?  At the heat of the moment when you're mad, heated, ready to blow, yes I do believe it's okay to stop and think before you speak and regret what you may say, it may damage the other person and yourself for that matter.  But when you are hurting and in pain, why not say that you are and the reason that you are and not be scared of the response.  You can't truly love someone if you don't truly let them know how you feel and how what they did affected you right?  So I did it, I put it all on paper at that very moment and three pages later, the last sentence " I don't know what else to say".  Signed,sealed, stamped, and delievered!

So now I'm wondering, what will be his response, will he be upset that I didn't tell him at the time that it happened, at the very moment that I felt hurt by his words?  Or will he understand and being that we've been at this for three years now, not to be surprised by the fact that I still hold in things that I shouldn't until it builds up to the point where I have no choice but to let it out. It's been four days since we've last spoken and I'm okay, normally I'd be ready to go crazy, but I'm not there, what does this mean? I wish I could answer my own question but I can't.  Part of me wants to talk to him, but the other part doesn't want to talk until I know he's received the 'break down moment" letter.  Part of me feels the discussion over the phone would be normal and I won't really get a response until I get the "response to your break down moment" letter back. Then part of me feels that he may have a lot to say, and would much rather say it over the phone than in a letter.  He's better at that than I, I'm better at putting mine on paper.

I guess when I decide to actually make it available for us to talk, then I'll know huh. Oh well, not ready right now, so I guess I'll just be wondering atleast until the work day is over...LOL. 

Where do I start!

Last night I laid in my bed and had a moment. A moment that I knew was coming, but I'm not sure if I was truly prepared for it.  A moment where I realized just how alone I really feel, how scared I really am, and how overwhelming holding it all in is affecting me.  You know that song by Kirk Franklin "smile", yep well that's truly me.  I smile, eventhough it hurts I smile.  I'm not a weak person, however I'm very emotional (don't let the tears fool you).  I've been in this "long distance" relationship for 3 yrs now.  Don't get me wrong I love him, I'm in love with him, but I'm lonely!  It's hard not having a warm body to lay next to at night, not waking up to someone every morning, not going on dates, not exchanging gifts on Holidays, anniversaries, etc. I'm sure many are wondering .....okay if you are in a relationship and although it's long distance, why can't you do these things?  Well there's more to it than just long distance and I would much rather  keep that to myself.  Not that I am ashamed, but all business is not everybody elses business, just people in my personal space that need to know.  And no he's not married!  LOL. 

I feel that I've handled this situation well considering the fact that I'm 30 years old and I'm waiting on my fairy tale.  Call me crazy, but yes I still belive in the Always and forever, the happily ever after.  I'm addicted to David Tetura Weddings, Say yes to the dress, and Essence bridal bliss.  Those are just a few, trust me there's more...lol 

Okay I'm jumping all around on this, I know.  This is my first time and I'm not use to this type of "letting my feelings out" so bare with me, I'll get better.  So back to the break down moment I had last night, so I'm laying in bed and I look all around my room and I see him.....Ray, pictures everywhere!!!! and I just cry, I can't control it, I just cry.  I miss him, I love him, I need him, but I can't touch him, feel him, lay with him.  How much longer God.  I know I signed up for this and I knew how long I signed up for this as well.  And I'm in no way at a breaking point to give up, but it's just tough.  It's just hard, I wanna hold his hand, I want to walk downtown, go to a game or two.  Go to the movies, go to church, take the kids places, lay and watch a movie, or just lay together period.  Yeh this is weighing hard on me right now.

I'll get back to this later.

Thanks for visiting.